Wednesday, April 20, 2011
It seems strange to say that you believe in God, you are living for him and you are mad at him. I know it seems contradictory or sacrilegious. But it’s true. I haven’t written anything in a long time due to being disappointed, depressed and angry. I guess I should clarify what I mean. I have been living the past seventeen years truly believing and waiting on God for his promises. I have chosen to live my life according to what I believe to be true: 1. Jesus is the son of God 2. He came to this world as a baby born of the Virgin Mary 3. He died on the cross for my sins 4. He rose from the grave and is a live and will return 5. He has a specific plan for my life and his Spirit will guide me as I seek his face and live for him.
So, if I believe so strongly, why was I disappointed, depressed and angry? The answer is simple and yet complex. I was disappointed because I thought things would be different. I thought that by now God would’ve lead me to this place in my life where I would’ve seen his promises for me (i.e.: a husband, more kids, a job that I enjoy, etc…) but what really has happened is: I lost someone whom I thought was going to turn out to be the one, I lost a house, moved into an apartment, had dealings with a person (or persons) who seemed set out to make my life miserable, have a job that I don’t like and have had multiple physical ailments and so much more that has made me question why.
It has been hard for me to understand why these things have happened. Don’t get me wrong I still strongly believe all of the things mentioned above, but I’ve been so hurt because things have not turned out the way that I imagined that God would’ve worked them out. It’s like being a child at Christmas expecting to see the toy they have waited all year for only to open up all of the packages and find nothing but clothing in the boxes.
I have thought often of Sarah and Abraham during this time. I can understand the desperation they must’ve felt for an heir. They were given a promise and month after month Sarah remained barren until their flesh took over and they tried to make the promise come true on their own. Sometimes I have felt that way, like I want to take matters into my own hands and try to make everything work myself, BUT then I remember that the consequences of doing things on my own will not only affect my spiritual and emotional well being but that of my family, my church family and perhaps even people I have not met yet. When I look at the big picture, I am able to lean on the Lord for the strength that I need to keep going. And just like David, I cry out to the Lord and I tell him everything that I feel (even though he knows, it helps to tell him and He wants us to talk with him). I confess to him that I am disappointed, depressed and I even tell him that I have been angry with him because I do not understand WHY.
I can’t even begin to count how many times I have wept and cried out WHY God, WHY would you allow this to happen? WHERE ARE YOU? DO YOU CARE? After I weep and reach out to him, his peace always comes and sustains me. There is always the reminder that: 1. His ways are not my ways 2. His thoughts are not my thoughts 3. He has plans that do not include harming me in any way 3. His grace is sufficient 4. He has not forgotten me, he is here with me holding me close and working in my life even when I cannot see it or feel it because of my humanity. (Isaiah 55:8, Jeremiah 29:11, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Isaiah 49:14-16, Luke 12:6&7, Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 9:12)
Brother, Sister, I know how you are feeling. Keep holding on to Jesus. I have recently begun to ask him to help me deal with my emotions as I wait. I won’t always understand why things work the way they do or why some people get sick or why people have to wait longer than others for the answers to their prayers BUT I do know that God is the same yesterday, today and forever and no matter how often we cry out WHY or WHERE ARE YOU, the answer will always be coming from the God who walks with us and it will come at just the right time regardless of what our emotions may tell us.