You know what? I admire your faith. I swear you never waiver in your faith where as I feel weak, broken like I am the one who is crawling across the finish line in the race. To be honest, I wonder why I keep praying. I wonder why I keep pushing through. I feel like I have been At the front lines of the war for too many years and I have been waiting for a rescue, waiting for an answer and I’ve been left behind. Left without an answer. Today someone sent me a sermon. A word they felt I needed to hear. The word was from Matthew 15:21-28 about the woman who kept asking Jesus for an answer. The first time he completely ignored her. His disciples begged him to send her away. She asked him again and he told her that he didn’t come for her. She then says Lord even the dog get scraps from their masters table. I’ve always felt like that little dog...waiting hoping someone will see me and throw me something but usually getting kicked and thrown to the side. I have begged and prayed and waited and trusted and testified that God will answer. Year after year I have held onto the hope and promise. As the years go by it’s not always been the enemy who mocks me. Brothers and sisters in Christ tell me to give up, why are you still holding on? Clearly this isn’t what God has for your life. It’s gotten harder through the years to keep waiting. I have always been able to run from temptation because I knew God was going to answer me, he was going to bless me with my answers just like he promised me. These last couple of years have been very hard...This past year has been the worst it’s ever been, the hardest year to keep waiting. I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant because it’s really not. The enemy has always sent Ishmael my way and I’ve always been able to walk away. One time it was hard, I actually argued with God that I didn’t want to walk away & why could this not be the answer? There wasn’t anything wrong with this particular person. He was a believe too. But God said run daughter & so I ran. This year though...I’ve become tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of being used, hurt, neglected & forgotten. I have had two different opportunities present themselves to me and I have really thought about giving up and giving in. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of hoping for something that doesn’t seem to ever come. All my life I’ve wanted to have someone to love me. I have waited not always patiently but I have waited. Where has it gotten me? I keep getting my heart broken by “good Christian men” who have turned out to be liars. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being lonely and alone. I want to quit. I want to take up one of the offers...at least I know there isn’t a false promise with these offers. I see myself and I question who will want me anyway...I’ve always heard from those who were supposed to love me that I wasn’t worth it. Sometimes I still believe it’s true. If it wasn’t true wouldn’t “the person” have come by now??? I am tired of God bringing men into my life for me to encourage and pray for until their wife comes along...who prays for me? Who encourages me? Who cares that I am struggling? Who acres that the only thing that keeps me hanging on is the guilt and shame if have in telling my four kids that i quit. Tonight I’m struggling. Tonight I want to quit. That word someone sent me ended by saying don’t quit. Don’t give up. Keep praying. Keep believing. Keep waiting. No matter how long it takes. So eve though I’m listening to worship, crying my eyes out, screaming from the pain in my heart...I know deep down, I will get up tomorrow with swollen eyes and I will pray for you and everyone else God has asked me to pray for. I will believe, truly believe that God will bless you. I will rejoice with each one as God answers my prayers for you. I will celebrate. And I will keep moving ahead like normal hoping that one day this broken empty place in my life will finally be filled with the promise God gave me years ago just like Jesus finally answered the woman in this scripture. i will keep going and keep believing. ******************************************************************************************************************* ¿Sabes que? Admiro tu fe. Creo que tú nunca fallas en tu fe, donde yo me siento débil, roto como yo soy la que está arrastrándose a través de la línea de meta en la carrera. Para ser honesto, me pregunto por qué sigo orando. Me pregunto por qué sigo avanzando. Siento que he estado en las líneas de frente de la guerra por muchos años y he estado esperando un rescate, esperando una respuesta y me han dejado atrás. Se fue sin una respuesta. Hoy alguien me envió un sermón. Una palabra que sentían que necesitaba oír. La palabra era de Mateo 15: 21-28 sobre la mujer que seguía pidiendo a Jesús una respuesta. La primera vez que la ignoró. Sus discípulos le rogaron que la enviara. Ella le preguntó otra vez y él le dijo que él no vino por ella. Ella entonces dijo Señor, incluso el perro obtiene restos de la mesa de su maestro. Siempre me he sentido como ese perrito... esperando...esperando que alguien me vea y me dio algo, pero por lo general estaba pateado y tirado a un lado. He rogado y orado y esperado, confiado y testificando que Dios responderá. Año tras año he mantenido la esperanza de la promesa. A medida que pasan los años, no siempre es el enemigo que se burla de mí. Hermanos y hermanas en Cristo me dicen que dé por vencido, ¿por qué sigues aguantando? Claramente esto no es lo que Dios tiene para tu vida. Se ha vuelto más difícil a través de los años para seguir esperando. Siempre he sido capaz de huir de la tentación porque sabía que Dios iba a contestarme, él iba a bendecirme con mis respuestas como él me había prometido. Estos últimos dos años eran difícil...Este año ha sido el peor que ha sido, el año más duro para seguir esperando. Espero que esto no suene arrogante porque realmente no lo es. El enemigo siempre ha enviado a Ismael a mi y siempre he podido alejarme. Una vez fue difícil, en realidad discutió con Dios que no quería irme y por qué no este hombre no podía ser la respuesta? No había nada malo en esta persona en particular. También era un creyente. Pero Dios dijo hija correr de él y así corrí. Este año sin embargo ... me he cansado de esperar. Cansado de la esperanza. Cansado de ser usada, herida, descuidada y olvidada. He tenido dos oportunidades diferentes que presentarse a mí y realmente he pensado en renunciar y ceder. Estoy cansada de esperar. Estoy cansada de esperar para alguien que no parece. Toda mi vida he querido tener a alguien que me ame. He esperado no siempre pacientemente pero he esperado. ¿Dónde me ha metido? Sigo recibiendo mi corazón roto. Estoy cansada de esperar. Estoy cansada de ser ignorado. Estoy cansada de estar sola. Quiero rendirme. Quiero tomar una de las ofertas ... al menos sé que no hay una falsa promesa con estas ofertas. Me veo y me pregunto quién me querrá de todos modos ... Siempre he escuchado de aquellos que se supone que me quieren que no me valía la pena. A veces sigo creyendo que es verdad. Si no fuera cierto no "la persona" han llegado??? Estoy cansada de que Dios traiga a los hombres a mi vida para que yo les anime y ora para ellos hasta que venga su esposa ... ¿quién está orando por mí? ¿Quién me da ánimo? ¿A quién le importa que esté luchando? ¿Quién acres que la única cosa que me mantiene colgando en es la culpa y la vergüenza si tengo que decir a mis cuatro hijos que me rendí. Esta noche estoy luchando. Esta noche quiero rendirme. Esa palabra que alguien me envió terminó diciendo que no dejas. No te rindas. Sigue orando. Sigue creyendo. Segue esperando. No importa cuánto tiempo se tarda. Entonces aquí estoy escuchando adoración, llorando fuerte, gritando por el dolor qué hay en mi corazón... es profundo...pero me levantaré mañana con los ojos hinchados y oraré por ti y por todos los demás que Dios ha pedido para orar. Por ti creeré, verdaderamente creo que Dios te bendecirá. Me regocijaré cada vez que Dios conteste mis oraciones por ti. Voy a celebrar Y seguiré avanzando como normal esperando que un día este lugar vacío en mi vida finalmente se llene con la promesa que Dios me dio hace años atrás, como Jesús finalmente contestó a la mujer en esta escritura. Si, seguiré caminando y creyendo...

My Valentine...

Ever year I struggle during Valentine's Day because I am still single and still waiting on the man that God has for me. But last year I was reminded that Jesus is my Valentine. He loves me like no one ever has and he is always with me. This is not always easy to remember especially when the other side of my bed is cold and empty or when I am hurting and needing someone to hold me. I know without a doubt that Jesus is with me even if I cannot see him or feel him. He is the same yesterday today and forever. Which means to me if he was with the people in the Bible and with me in my past then he is with me now. I have comfort in that and I find myself talking with him more and more. I want to be all that he would have me be and if that means that I need to stay single and lean only on him then so be it. Who am I to argue with the King of Kings? Last year I felt relieved at Valentines because I didn't focus on what I didn't have, instead Infocused on all of the wonderful things that I do have. That is my goal this year too. Will I struggle in my singleness this Friday? Maybe. But I will encourage myself in The Lord and I will remember that I have someone in my life who loves me so much that He died so that I might live. Be encouraged and have a blessed Valentines Day.

A Letter From The Heart---Una Carta del Corazón

Dear Brother/Sister,

I don't know who you are but I feel strongly that this letter is for someone who will read this blog.

You are reading this now and your heart is broken. You have wandered far from home--the place where you belong and your heart is heavy and broken over choices that you have made, things that you have done and things that have been done against you. You think that things that you have done are too horrilbe for you to return, that you have gone to far to come back. You are ashamed of the things that you have done. You look at the chaos in your life and you become embarassed. You think that if anyone really knew the things that you have done, you would be rejected and you just can not take another bad thing occurring in your life. Just like the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32, you are looking around at the mess you are living in and your heart aches to return home but you are stubborn in your fear and shame to return because of what you think people will say or do when you return. I tell you that I can see your heavenly Father and he is standing at the door waiting and watching for you to come home and he will run out and he will meet you before you even get to the door of home! He loves you and he is waiting for you to repent and come home! His arms are open for you to run into, don't wait, it is NOT too late for you to come home. Don't worry about what others will think because you have one sister who is weeping and praying for you to come home. I don't know you but I will keep praying for you to come home until the Lord releases me to stop praying and crying out on your behalf. Come home...

Estimado/a Hermano/Hermana,

Yo no sé quién usted es pero me siento que esta carta es para alguien que leerá este blog.

Usted esta leyendo este ahora y su corazón esta quebrantado. Ha llegado lejos de casa -- el lugar donde usted pertenece y su corazón está pesado y quebrantado sobre decisiones que usted ha tomado, las cosas que usted ha hecho y las cosas que han sido hechas contra usted. Piensa que cosas que usted ha hecho son tan horrilbe que usted no puede regresar, que usted ha ido a distante tan larga que no puede regresar. Usted se avergüenzado de las cosas que ha hecho. Esta mirando el caos en su vida y usted llega a ser avergonzado. Piensa que si cualquiera persona supo las cosas que usted ha hecho, sería rechazado y usted no puede tomar otra cosa mala que ocurre en su vida. Como el hijo pródigo en Lucas 15:11-32, Usted esta mirando alrededor en el disastre que esta viviendo en y sus dolores y su corazón anhela a regresar a casa pero usted es terco en su temor y la vergüenza y lo que usted piensa que personas dirán o harán cuando regresa y usted usa esos escusas para no regresar. ¡Le digo que puedo Yo ver a su Padre Celestial y él esta esperandote a la puerta y él esta mirando para usted volver a casa y le encontrará antes que llegue a la puerta de casa! ¡Le ama y le espera para arrepentirse de sus pecados y para volver a casa! Sus brazos están abiertos para usted, no espera, no es demasiado tarde para regresar a casa. No se preocupe por lo que otros pensarán porque usted tiene una hermana que llora y ora para usted volver a casa. Yo no le sé pero mantendré orar para usted volver a casa hasta que el Señor me suelte para parar orar par usted. Regresale...

Happy Mother's Day! ¡Feliz Día de las Madres!

To all of the Mother's who do not feel appreciated, to those who feel forgotten, to the single mom, the widowed mother and all mothers, May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he guide you as you raise your children, grandchildren, etc...He is the only one who can give you what you need to raise your children. If you are raising them alone, he is the partner that you need to raise your sons and daughters. He will give you wisdom and strength. Lean on him and trust him in all of the decisions that you make as a mother. Blessings to you!

Why?

It seems strange to say that you believe in God, you are living for him and you are mad at him. I know it seems contradictory or sacrilegious. But it’s true. I haven’t written anything in a long time due to being disappointed, depressed and angry. I guess I should clarify what I mean. I have been living the past seventeen years truly believing and waiting on God for his promises. I have chosen to live my life according to what I believe to be true: 1. Jesus is the son of God 2. He came to this world as a baby born of the Virgin Mary 3. He died on the cross for my sins 4. He rose from the grave and is a live and will return 5. He has a specific plan for my life and his Spirit will guide me as I seek his face and live for him.

So, if I believe so strongly, why was I disappointed, depressed and angry? The answer is simple and yet complex. I was disappointed because I thought things would be different. I thought that by now God would’ve lead me to this place in my life where I would’ve seen his promises for me (i.e.: a husband, more kids, a job that I enjoy, etc…) but what really has happened is: I lost someone whom I thought was going to turn out to be the one, I lost a house, moved into an apartment, had dealings with a person (or persons) who seemed set out to make my life miserable, have a job that I don’t like and have had multiple physical ailments and so much more that has made me question why.

It has been hard for me to understand why these things have happened. Don’t get me wrong I still strongly believe all of the things mentioned above, but I’ve been so hurt because things have not turned out the way that I imagined that God would’ve worked them out. It’s like being a child at Christmas expecting to see the toy they have waited all year for only to open up all of the packages and find nothing but clothing in the boxes.

I have thought often of Sarah and Abraham during this time. I can understand the desperation they must’ve felt for an heir. They were given a promise and month after month Sarah remained barren until their flesh took over and they tried to make the promise come true on their own. Sometimes I have felt that way, like I want to take matters into my own hands and try to make everything work myself, BUT then I remember that the consequences of doing things on my own will not only affect my spiritual and emotional well being but that of my family, my church family and perhaps even people I have not met yet. When I look at the big picture, I am able to lean on the Lord for the strength that I need to keep going. And just like David, I cry out to the Lord and I tell him everything that I feel (even though he knows, it helps to tell him and He wants us to talk with him). I confess to him that I am disappointed, depressed and I even tell him that I have been angry with him because I do not understand WHY.

I can’t even begin to count how many times I have wept and cried out WHY God, WHY would you allow this to happen? WHERE ARE YOU? DO YOU CARE? After I weep and reach out to him, his peace always comes and sustains me. There is always the reminder that: 1. His ways are not my ways 2. His thoughts are not my thoughts 3. He has plans that do not include harming me in any way 3. His grace is sufficient 4. He has not forgotten me, he is here with me holding me close and working in my life even when I cannot see it or feel it because of my humanity. (Isaiah 55:8, Jeremiah 29:11, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Isaiah 49:14-16, Luke 12:6&7, Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 9:12)

Brother, Sister, I know how you are feeling. Keep holding on to Jesus. I have recently begun to ask him to help me deal with my emotions as I wait. I won’t always understand why things work the way they do or why some people get sick or why people have to wait longer than others for the answers to their prayers BUT I do know that God is the same yesterday, today and forever and no matter how often we cry out WHY or WHERE ARE YOU, the answer will always be coming from the God who walks with us and it will come at just the right time regardless of what our emotions may tell us.

I am not a superhero/ No soy una super heroe

Sometimes in life I have thought that I can do anything and that I don't need help from anyone. I have come to realize how wrong I am. God has been speaking to me about my error in thinking this way. I have always had a tendency to not trust people and to not call out for help or share my heart. I know that this has come from deep hurts that I have suffered and betrayals that I have faced in life. The problem in my thinking is that I also try to "fix" things without the Lord's help and in that I have sinned.

About a month ago I had a dream and it was profound. It brought back to me some of the hope that I had lost. But I had ignored part of the dream and God would not let me forget it. Recently I had a breaking point. I was struggling with loneliness, sadness and many other things that didn't seem to be going right. I cried out to Jesus for help and he reminded me of my dream. Part of my dream I was surrounded by my best friend and three other sisters in Christ. These women were rallying around me and helping me to stay focused on what God had planned for my life. The Lord told me he wanted me to humble myself and go to these women and 1) tell them about my dream 2) share with them my current struggles 3) ask them to come alongside of me in prayer and support and 4) promise to tell them how I am really doing when they ask me instead of the usual response of "I am fine" and "everything is great".

So after crying my eyes out I called each one of the sisters and I was stunned that immediately they gave me their full attention and support. They were completely on board to help me. I wept with each one of them because I was unloading and learning to lean on someone again.

I have discovered that I am not a superhero. I can't do this alone. I have to have help and I have to have someone to lean on. But I am also reminded that I truly can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

Letting Go

During these last few months since I have written, God has been speaking to my heart about letting go. Letting go isn’t as easy as it sounds. There are so many things that we have to let go of in life and none of them are easy to do. As a parent we have to learn to slowly let go and give our children independence as they grow and then eventually allow them to become adults. But the letting go that I am referring most to, is what the Lord requires of us. There is a continual letting go when we are forgiving those who trespass against us on a daily basis, but there is also a letting go of the past. Though we are forgiven, we walk around carrying a burden like we would carry a suitcase that is so full it is difficult to carry.

So when God told me that it is time to let go I didn't quite know what to think about it. I was praying and I asked himt what it was that I am supposed to let go of? Over the next few nights I couldn't go to sleep. I stayed awake thinking about the things that I had not quite let go of in my life. I was surprised to find out just how much baggage that I had been carrying around with me. These things were not sins that I struggled with but rather they are things that I had not dealt with emotionally. I am the type of person that I will push aside things that hurt me and deal with them later, but generally later doesn't come until I have so much piled up that I nearly burst.

These past four years have been very difficult for me. I faced many emotinal things that I pushed aside to deal with later: graduating college but never really celebrating my acomplishment, getting a full time job that is an emotionally stressful job, buying a house, having a parent become seriously ill, having my parents live with me and helping them transition to moving back out on their own, having a close relationship that I thought was the person God had for me end because God told me this person was not the one for me, losing my house in a foreclosure, moving, watching my best friend become serious ill and not being able to be there for her because I was ill and the list could go on and on.

The fact is I didn't allow myself to cry because I was tired of crying myself to sleep at night. I didn't allow myself to mourn my losses. It is still very difficult for me, as I sit here typing this in Borders I force myself not to become emotional. Where did this come from, this idea to hold it in and not let it out because it hurts? Hard heartedness...if I don't face it it won't hurt. God began to point out to me that I need to let it go emotionally so that he can move in my life in a way that I have been wanting him to. I made a decision a long time ago that I was tired of being hurt, tired of crying and because of that I choose not to deal with painful things.

I believe that we all do that to an extent. We must choose to let it go brothers and sisters. If want God to heal us and to take us to the next level, we have to let it go! Jesus said: "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus does not want us to walk around carrying guilt, shame, hurts, heartache, pain of lost dreams, etc...He wants us to be free to run this race without anything holding us back from what he has called us to. We have to make a choice and I am choosing to LET IT GO!